PROBLEM
By Brian Kindermelch

HELLO

NOW ME MUST SAY FIRST THAT BRIAN NOT NORMALLY WRITE LETTERS. ME HAVE MORE IMPORTANT WAY TO SPEND TIME. BUT BRIAN SEE SOMETHING TERRIBLE THAT REMINDED ME THAT BRITAIN IS BROKEN SO I NEED TO COMMENT TO HAVE MY VOICE HEARD AND HAVE MY SEE.

BRIAN LOOK ON TV ONE DAY AND SEE PEOPLE ARE CALL JEREMY CORBMAN PRIME MINISTER. PEOPLE ON TWITTER SAY TESRA MAY NOT PM BUT JELEMY COOLBAN IS. WHAT? BRIAN IS CONFUSED. HOW CAN COLBWEM BE PRIME MINISTER IF HE NOT WIN POLITICS RACE AND MAKE THE BIG CHART MORE RED THAN ANY OTHER COLOUR? BLUE IS THE MOST COLOUR IN PARLIAMENT. NOT RED. HOW HAS THIS PLEASE?

BRIAN IS ANGRY SAD AND MAKES BRIAN FEEL VERY SMALL, CRUMBLED AND STAMPED TO DEATH. BUT BRIAN IS NOT SMALL. BRIAN LIFTS ON THE WEEKENDS. BRIAN IS SWOLE. BRIAN HAS SWELLED BODY AND MIND TO PERFECTION.

BRIAN FEEL COMPLICIT IN SUPPRESSION OF CERTAIN VOICES IN THE DISCOURSE. ME FEEL GUILTY FOR UNDERESTIMATING YOUTH. BRIAN FEEL SAD LIKE TIME WHEN ME WATCH Marley & Me AND DARREN SPOIL THE ENDING. WHY DARREN?? I BOUGHT YOU A MEAL DEAL.

BRIAN MAKE HOMEMADE CHICKEN TIKKA MASALA TO EASE NERVES. NOW HOUSE ON FIRE AND BRIAN IS IN THE CRAWL SPACE. IT HAS BEEN FOUR HOURS. LOTS OF SMOKE. WHERE IS MY CAT? THIS IS JELSMERE CRIBSMANS’ FAULT SOMEHOW.

The Meme That Saves Society
By Melissa Tender

Society venerates cats as the ideal mammals: languid, self-determined and obligation-free. Yet we are surprised that this same society produces a deluge of unemployed furniture-scratching layabouts. But the memes continue; cats are deified daily online.

The female Giant Pacific Octopus lays thousands of eggs and spends months stoically protecting them. Then, after the last of her brood fly (swim) the coup, she dutifully dies. Truly this is the more fitting epitome of the ideal citizen.

I’m investing in a powerful lens, diving equipment and a watertight sack of comedy props. I will make the meme that saves society.

Statues (Rewrite)
By Tracy Denholm

Recently been introduced to the concept of a statue. Hello people but rock did not consent to be sculpted into a representation of a 17th century biologist, or anyone else. Rock has its own culture and should be displayed unadorned and unsculpted without the imposition of western colonialism on its perfect geological form. Though I’m not sure how to create the plinths necessary to provide a platform to these beautiful entities without indulging in rank hypocrisy.

Sean Morley (@seanmorl), Christopher Delamere (@spinetrolley) & Philip Oke (@delitweet)