Moist Facts For Crestfallen Chumps
by Brian Kindermelch
LAST CHRISTMAS ME GET FANCY LOOKING ‘Amazon Echo’ FOR CHRISTMAS. IT ROUND & SHINY AND RECOGNISES BRIAN VOICE WHICH NOT MANY PEOPLE DO BECAUSE BRIAN ALWAYS SHOUT. IT BEEN VERY HELPFUL WHEN BRIAN NEEDS ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS LIKE 'HOW TINS WORK?' OR 'WHERE IS MY JOB?'. SOMETIMES ME SAY FUNNY THING TO 'Amazon Echo' AND 'Amazon Echo' SAY FUNNY THING BACK. THIS MAKE BRIAN VERY HAPPY & INCLUDED.
BRIAN WATCH NEWS RECENTLY AND SEE THAT BLUE TEAM LIKE ‘Amazon Echo’ TOO. THEY PRETEND TO BE IT. AT HOME, IT ALSO GIVES OUT SIMPLE RESPONSES TO QUESTIONS IN MONOTONE VOICE SO CALMING IT LULLS ME INTO SORT OF DEEP SLEEP ME MIGHT GET JUST BEFORE STRANGE MAN WALKS INTO ROOM AND SMOTHERS ME TO DEATH. LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH NEIGHBOUR NEXT DOOR (R.I.P. DARREN).
BRIAN EVEN MORE HAPPY WHEN ME CHANGE CHANNEL TO BBC PARGLAMENT AND ME SEE MANY 'Amazon Echos' ALL SAT IN ROWS TELLING PRERECORDED JOKES THAT MAKE BRIAN CHUCKLE SO MUCH WHILE DRIFTING IN AND OUT OF SLEEP MODE. EVERYWHERE BRIAN GO ME SEEM TO SEE MORE AND MORE 'Amazon Echos' AROUND. EVERYBODY VERY GOOD AT TAKING SIMPLE VOICE COMMANDS. BRIAN FEEL THAT BEFORE ME WATCH NEWS AND FEEL VERY ANGRY AT THINGS, ME USED TO CARE A LOT. BUT NOW, THANKS TO 'Amazon Echo', ME NOT FEEL MUCH ANYMORE.
‘Amazon Echo’ PLEASE SEND THIS EMAIL TO THE NEWSPAPER FOR PRINT. THANK YOU FRIEND.
|The conservative broadsheets are obsessed with the dynastic offspring. It’s the one vulnerable creature they don’t yearn to destroy. Instead they are overwhelmed by its cuteness, its innocence, its lack of sin.
Their analysis of normal child behaviours, such as smiling, sleeping and self-soiling, is such that they use Prince George as a cipher through which we humble subjects can glimpse behind the curtain at the grand designs in store for us. They are dogged soothsayers peering into the tea leaves of a gurning, cheeky bab.
Prince George sucks his thumb at the Cenotaph? Prepare for reinvestment in another Great War. Prince George falls backwards onto a Jenga stack? Safety provisions for tower blocks will not be a pressing concern for future governments. Prince George’s first words are the entirety of Enoch Powell’s 'Rivers Of Blood' speech? Who can say? Sometimes children just do things at random. It’s not all meaningful.
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