"Keir Starmer’s attitude to politics combines the worst aspects of dogs and machines"

Keir Starmer’s most passionate sycophants are interested in all the things he isn’t. Keir Starmer is not Boris Johnson. Keir Starmer is not Liz Truss. Keir Starmer is not Rishi Sunak. Keir Starmer is not one of the Cray Twins. Keir Starmer is not a cloud of meal replacement powder. Keir Starmer is not a rat eating a boiled egg.

What could be more Prime Ministerial? A rat eating a boiled egg could never lead Britain out of decade of self-inflicted, crumpled misery, so why not try non-rat egg sceptic Keir Starmer?

When it comes to discussing the reality of Starmer’s goat-eyed vision for the future, Starmer is in agreement with the people who despise him. Both position his role as the rose-gilded spokesperson of the latest alternative Conservative Party. Both are adamant anyone to the left of Tony Blair are not welcome in the party. “The Labour Party I lead today is unrecognisable from 2019... We are never going back,” says Starmer, and I agree with him. “If you don’t like it, nobody is forcing you to stay.”

More recently Starmer gave a speech about how the Labour Party is the true bastion of conservative British values: “This project goes further and depeer than New Labour’s rewriting of Clause Four […] This is Clause Four on steroids.”

K.K. Starmer is the ultimate politician: dangerous and boring, like bleach. His favourite dinner is uncooked lasagne. He hates digital TV because it cancelled his favourite show: untuned static at full volume.

Keith is truly law-brained. His forensic proceduralism boils down to writing, “The cops did nothing wrong,” on any document within arm’s reach until he’s promoted to the Head of the Crown Prosecution Service – from giving glowing recommendations of the Northern Irish Police as they beat civilians with truncheons, after allowing unionists waving paramilitary insignias to march into Catholic neighbourhoods, to refusing to bring charges over the deaths of Jean Charles de Menezes, Ian Tomlinson and Jimmy Mubenga.

The only time Starmer seems to break from the mechanical execution of the procedures of the British state is when there’s an even larger power to please. According to Oliver Eagleton's The Starmer Project: A Journey to the Right, he signed a deal with the United States Department of Justice stating he would not interfere with their American foreign policy interests. In practice, this looked more like a blank cheque for British citizens to be extradited into the Kafkaesque corridors of the American legal system. The extradition of vulnerable autistic adult Gary McKinnon had to be blocked by Theresa May while Starmer meekly stepped aside. Others, like Syed Talha Ahsan, described by his psychiatrist as “extremely vulnerable,” were detained without trial for six years before being extradited to the US.

Starmer blocked investigation of spycops. He upheld the practice of prosecuting rape victims for supposedly false accusations and gave police greater powers to determine if victims’ testimonies seemed plausible.

Keir Starmer’s attitude to politics combines the worst aspects of dogs and machines. Sycophantic and subservient to procedures of the British state, deferentially washing its hands clean every time it brings violence to the door of its citizens. With the charisma of a supply teacher and the ethics of Judge Dredd, Keir Starmer has cast the Labour movement forever into the black hole of hopeless, reactionary sludge.