Dogville: An Urbane Canine Review
I'm writing this article to offer the answer to my own question: Where are the dog columns? By that I don't mean the ones I'm supposed to pee on, but the erudite canine POVs created to elevate and stimulate the dog-about-town.
The humans we own, bless them, are simple bipeds, stomping around good-naturedly on their pink legs. They take us to places where other humans greet and gather, to pour liquid in tubes, where dog food for humans is put on plates so they can hit it with metal sticks.
But sadly humans don't always make the best choices, so the Now Then editor-in-chief has kindly agreed to publish our guide to a handful of Sheffield's city centre canine hostelries.
The Devonshire Cat
The name didn't fill us with confidence, but our fears were soon quashed. On arrival our humans were offered dog-friendly tables and our feed servant presented us with our own bowl with water and treats, which we gratefully accepted.
We like the Devonshire C** very much. The humans said they have a very good range of ales from local breweries and do a great Sunday dinner.
The Red Deer
Our owner said that along with The Grapes and Fagan's, The Red Deer is one of the last remaining authentic pubs in town. So authentic that they don't care if dogs come in, sit under the table, fart and listen to the banter. Our owner said they do first-rate dinners and draft beers, but as no dog snacks were available we couldn't comment. It was full to bursting with peds, though.
The Morsel is a high-stepping, back-combed and bouffanted white Pomeranian
The Benjamin Huntsman
Wetherspoons is owned by Tim Martin, whose Geography teacher told him he would never amount to anything. 'Haha,' said Mr Martin, then named a thousand pubs across the UK after him.
Our owner got very snappy about Mr Martin. They said he is a bloody-minded polemicist who is inciting xenophobia by pushing his narrow-minded views down the throats of his customers via his stupid beer mat manifesto.
Mr Martin has banned dogs (and music) from many of his premises, saying 'even well-behaved dogs can be unpredictable', but our owner said drinking cheap Stella from 10am to teatime makes humans unpredictable.
We couldn't make a judgement on The Benjamin Huntsman, because we couldn't get in and there were certainly no dog treats.
The Green Room
The Green Room is so-called because it overlooks a lovely open space, great for taking humans on leads, smelling, eating grass and the occasional sighting of The Morsel.
The Morsel is our mortal enemy. He lives in a penthouse high above the green, where his owner trades in Far East commodities. The Morsel is a high-stepping, back-combed and bouffanted white Pomeranian. He smells of lady pants and mice droppings and barks in an Essex accent.
But back to The Green Room. Again, very warm and welcoming, and our owner enjoyed what they said is the best value vegetarian breakfast in town. TGR also belongs to the great lineage of Flynn licensed bars in the city and has an excellent playlist. Once again, we were offered water bowls and treats but also, spectacularly, sausages. Yes, let me say that again - sausages!
No question - The Green Room is the winner of our Dogville Urbane Canine Review.
Bob is a 9-year-old Airedale Terrier and Narla is a three-year-old crossbreed Labrador. They can often be seen taking their owner on long walks around the city centre, Greater Sheffield and Derbyshire.
