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Boris: A Word From The Man Himself

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Photo by Heather Isobel

Hello chaps,

Boris Johnson here. Yep, that's right, former Foreign Secretary, Vote Leave front man and all-round top chap. What with Brexit creeping up apace, the Now Then Editor-in-Chief asked me for a few words about the issue of the day. As the cheque has... yes, cleared, I am delighted to accept the offer.

I know this esteemed organ doesn't normally host Tory voices, but in these heated times it never hurts to listen calmly to 'the other side' and weigh up the arguments, just as I did before the referendum when I wrote two columns, one pro-remain, one pro-leave. My friends, it was a close call, but I calculated leave would lose and I would win. Just because it didn't work out that way, it doesn't mean I was wrong.

I think it's fair to say we were all shocked by the result, me not least of all. Just witness my ashen-faced 'victory' speech. South Yorkshire as a whole, however, romped home to freedom with 63%. A titanic result! Yes, all you latte-lapping citizens of nowhere, or worse, Nether Edge [editor, please amend local reference as necessary] might like to ponder why your cousins in Rotherham, Barnsley and Doncaster didn't share your affect for their EU overlords.

Just because something isn't real, doesn't mean you can't believe in it

They were lied to, I hear you cry, deceived and duped by a blond snake oil salesman. Piffle! Could it not just be that they truly believed, then and now, that we're better off on our own?

In truth, my friends, the reason Britain voted leave is even simpler. For there is only one force on earth than can create an electoral coalition of Tory Southern Squires and Labour Northern folk - patriotism. A belief in one's country, a hope for the future and a sense of belonging to something bigger than oneself. The fact that that belief may well be unbelievable is entirely beside the point. Just because something isn't real, doesn't mean you can't believe in it. Just look at Allah. [Note to self: really must stop having a go at the Muslims.] But however fleeting, that's what Vote Leave gave the country - something to believe in. The other side didn't even try. They knew they couldn't sell the EU. All they had left was Project Fear. And "Don't!" does not an inspiring campaign slogan make.

But the past is the past. We can re-run the referendum all we like, except in reality. We absolutely cannot do it in reality, despite numerous breaches of the law on [cough] certain sides [cough]. Indisputable facts ironically remain: Britain is leaving the EU and no one - not me, not you, not your precious Uncle Jeremy - is going to stop it. To the victor, the spoils. To the losers, Andrew Adonis. As the Romans would no doubt have tweeted.

Now, I hear there's a show about me at Theatre Deli next month. A musical satire, in fact. Well, being laughed at has never held me back me before. So laugh away, I say, particularly all you remoaner types. You never know, by the end of it you might even feel a bit better - or maybe you'll just have discovered by then that leaving the EU wasn't so bad after all!

Cheerio,

Boris Johnson MP, as told to Laurence Peacock

Boris The Musical 2: Brexit Harder comes to Theatre Deli on 10-13 April. Tickets are £12.50/£10.50 via theatredeli.co.uk.

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