TAX DODGE

Dear Advice Arnold,

I’ve recently come into possession of a tidy sum of money. I don’t want the grubby, urchin-like taxman getting his mitts on my hard-earned inheritance, so how can I go about retaining 100% of my wonga? I’ve been reading a lot recently about these offshore accounts - mainly via the Mail Online, Buzzfeed and the back of Penguin bar wrappers - and I quite fancy opening one of them myself. Any tips would be greatly appreciated and not thrown in the bin like last time.

Bill Smith, Clitheroe

Hi Bill,

Thanks for getting in touch, mate. You’d be surprised how few messages I get regarding financial affairs, but since I was arrested in 1994, 2002, 2007 and twice in 2013 for tax evasion, I happen to be the best person to speak to.

Now, pay attention here. Take your cash and place it in a waterproof box. It's absolutely essential that the box is waterproof. If you don’t have a waterproof box, wrap a regular box in cling film. Then tie a piece of rope around your box, head down to the nearest coastline and gently float your box out to sea. Congratulations. You now have an offshore account.

The thinking here is that once your funds are no longer on dry land, then they no longer adhere to the savage taxation imposed upon them inland. If anyone catches you in the act, just explain that your money is "relaxing in a box, enjoying the glorious British sun" and you’ll be off the hook.

Advice Arnold
@ChrisArnoldInc

CAPITALISM

Capitalism, like petrol fumes, is heavier than air and hasn't really made it up the hill to where I live, settling instead in lower altitude areas like Sheffield City Centre, Meadowhall and Hong Kong.

I live in a sleepy street of terraced houses, unchanged since the northern golden age fed to me through childhood picture books: figures of mummies and daddies caked in steel dust, delicious thick grey mist hanging in the air, and all the houses full to bursting with whippets. Each and every house a solid block of tessellating whippets, perfectly healthy, perfectly fine - something modern science has been unable to explain or replicate in test conditions.

Here we still have the barter system. It's not uncommon to get a leg of lamb or an artichoke in return for a good yarn, a rude joke or a Wi-Fi password. That was, until Capitalism finally turned up, and one morning we woke up to the sight of a new erection on the high street - a gleaming Sainsbury's and a shuffling, coughing man in a sleeping bag outside the electronic doors.

The greeter, not even getting to his feet, made it clear that there was a door charge, though was cagey about the exact figures. A door charge? For a shop?

That was all it took. Bound together in an explicit rejection of injustice, and an implicit thrift-based self-interest, we rounded on the Sainsbury's and it was promptly destroyed (the building was filled with whippets trained to inhale simultaneously, suffocating all non-whippet life immediately).

I bring this story to you to show what's possible when communities unite and participate in direct action. Everyone gets their fair share and nothing goes to waste. That building has now been returned to its own original use as a nocturnal cock fighting pit.

Sean Morley
@SeanMorleyBrand

Photo by Andy Carter (Flickr)