New year. New you. New me. New look? New Statesmen? New Zealand? New York, New York! With the annual arbitrary changing of the number which we call ‘the year’ comes the annual hurricane of New Year’s resolutions – the internal promise that you will better yourself this time round, that you will achieve that management position at work, that you will go for a jog every morning, that you will stop drinking so much melted lard, that you will stop all the casual shoplifting, that you will finally get rid of the decomposing dead sheep in the garden, etc. Now, many of you will fall at the first hurdle, but once more have no fear, because Advice Arnold is here and he’s got a whole bunch of tips on how to stay true to your pledges and loyal to your vows.
1. I promise to recycle more – You can start by keeping all the Christmas cards you received this year and re-using them next December. Crossing out the names will do the trick. A knock-on effect of this is that you will receive much fewer Christmas cards the following year, furthermore saving the world’s paper supply.
2. I promise to get to know my neighbours a little better – This can be easily achieved by sneaking into their house and taking photos of them while they sleep. Post them the photos accompanied with a little message of goodwill and you’ll be feeling much closer to them in no time at all.
3. I promise to stop smoking – Giving up smoking is hard. We all know that. Here’s a top tip – injecting heroin can really take your mind off the nicotine withdrawal. Also, while we’re at it, a few drinks before driving a long journey can really calm those motorway nerves. (ALERT: PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.)
4. I promise to properly differentiate between satirist news websites and the actual press – Is that story from the Daily Mail or the Daily Mash? Was that Newsthump or the Express? It’s becoming increasingly hard to know whether you’re reading actual content created by a paid journalist or a ridiculous piece of satire. Our advice: if the general vibe of the article is ‘un-sourced scaremongering’, it’s probably legitimate.
5. I promise to cut down on binge drinking – There’s only one way to combat this – a steady, balanced alcohol intake throughout the week. Instead of sinking 20 pints on a Saturday night, take a hip flask to the office and sip on vodka in between business meetings. If it works for James Bond, it can work for you.
6. I promise to tread carefully around Noel Edmonds – He has the aura of a man who could snap and go on a violent rampage at any moment. Please stay safe if you end up near him.
7. I promise to be more productive – It doesn’t matter what you’re being productive with as long as you’re being more productive – start collecting napkins, add all the album art to your iTunes library, learn how to speak Dothraki in preparation for the next Game Of Thrones season, start a fight club, buy some cows and learn how to milk them, etc.
8. I promise to be more charitable – If you didn’t take part in any viral social media charity trends in 2014, make sure that changes in 2015. We believe that the head lice bucket challenge is going to be particularly popular this year.
9. I promise to detox – One tried and tested method to get your health levels up and your flab levels down at the start of a new year is a detox. This essentially requires blending all your foodstuffs in order to ‘flush out’ or ‘power wash’ your internal system. Fruit – blend it. Vegetables – blend them. Toast and cereal – blend them. Mars bars – blend the hell out of them. Battered cod and chips – blend them with some ketchup baby! Enjoy your new physique.
10. If I own a gym, I promise to hook the exercise bikes and treadmills up to a generator that can power the gym’s electric supply – It is baffling as to why this hasn’t happened yet.
11. I promise to call Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Versini by her full name at all times – Not much to say on this one.
12. I promise to improve brand synergy – Not much to say on this one either.
13. I promise to read the Cool Beans column in Now Then Magazine every month – This one is just blatantly obvious, isn’t it? Happy New 2015 everyone.