MINI-MALALA GALA

Sheffield City Council have announced plans to erect a miniscule monument to activist and Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai in April 2017. The statue will be hidden somewhere in Sheffield, with the first person to correctly identify it earning a senior position in the Council.

“Malala’s efforts prove that, no matter your age or your size, you can make a resounding impact on the world. In light of this message we thought: why not make the statue as small as humanly possible?”

The figurine, which is confirmed to be no bigger than a grain of rice, will be hidden on Sunday morning. At 9am, the Mini-Malala Hunt celebration event will begin the search with a small buffet selection of sandwiches outside Sheffield Town Hall.

The Council’s press office are quick to remind entrants that children may not participate in the Mini-Malala Hunt due to the risk of swallowing small parts, a rule brought in to avoid a repeat of the incident that occurred during the Mini-Tawakkul Karman Gala in 2015.

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#TRADINGPLACES
What happens when a journalist and an immunologist swap places?

In lieu of the article we had intended to publish here, SAD FACTS would like to issue an apology to the people of South Sudan, whose lives and wellbeing we put in danger for this experiment. We’d also like to thank and apologise to Medicins Sans Frontieres, whose Sudanese dispatch team kindly agreed to take our newest intern, Tracy Denholm, to the Jonglei region of South Sudan to operate as the sole immunologist for a camp serving many hundreds of people.

We at SAD FACTS, particularly Tracy Denholm, have discovered that the study and practice of immunology is an incredibly complex and detailed discipline that cannot be adequately understood through a week-long intensive course. We also discovered that the application of immunology by someone underqualified, uncertain and in the midst of studying for their A Levels can have a devastating effect on a region already torn apart by ongoing militia warfare, as well as the mental stability and concentration required to complete higher education examinations.

SAD FACTS would like to apologise unreservedly to all those affected by our actions, and as such we will be permanently ending our #TradingPlaces article series. – Editor

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TUBMAN’S POD

Beans contain so many key nutrients required for good health and wellbeing, but none more so than the newest bean in town: Tubman’s Pod. This bean has it all: high in cholesterol, saturated fats, salt, protein, unsaturated fats, sugar (fructose and glucose) – all the things needed to make and store energy in a healthy, happy, smiling human.

Thanks to new deregulatory policies in French Guiana, Tubman’s Pod has become the newest superfood to be imported from Latin America, as previously workers’ rights laws and farmers unions prevented this crop from reaching our shores.

We asked Alma Creasy, labour historian at the Nestle Institute Of Nutrition Studies, to tell us more.

“By opening up their agricultural export market, French Guiana is going to start reaping the rewards of the global market. While you might see intense rural poverty now, soon their national GDP will begin to skyrocket – just as soon as they get a handle over the rioting.”

So far we’ve tried Tubman’s Pod in a Four Bean Chilli and it was simply exceptional. We look forward to all the recipes that are going to come with this exciting new product.

This recipe and more will be available as part of our upcoming SAD FOODS toilet book, coming November 2016.

@SadFactsMag