Skip to main content
A Magazine for Sheffield
Sad Facts

Useless Knowledge For Shivering Teens

In a recent retrospective, it has emerged that Sheffield's Cholera monument, designed by architect M E Hadfield, was built using actual cholera bacteria as a binding agent for the mortar.

In a recent interview, Hadfield's granddaughter, Melissa Hoads, said: “This needs to be destroyed. It has caused unrivalled harm. Do not go near the cholera monument.”

Next month, our architecture season continues with Please Do Not Go Near The Bubonic Plague Commemorative Cross.

Hot Hands

Inhabitants of the Crookes and Crosspool areas have become fearful this month after reports of unexplainable burns have risen dramatically. Northern General’s burns unit has been strained under the influx of new inpatients sporting second and third degree burns on their arms and upper body, but have so far been unwilling to speculate about their cause.

With the absence of a formal explanation, there are increasing reports of an unnamed assailant referred to only as The Hot Handed Man Of The Bolehills.

Officer Jasper Crulch, representative of South Yorkshire Police, said: “If there is an individual wanted for creating these burns and assaulting people in the evenings we will look into it. What poses a difficulty for us are the consistent reports that his hands are as hot as the sun. This doesn’t provide the material evidence that we can then act upon as a department”.


This month, Now Then has secured an exclusive interview with South Yorkshire Police’s new frontman, Garold Stoldt, about their upcoming public service announcement, The Statues In The City Centre Are Not Living Statues, Please Stop Giving Them Money.

NT: Hi Gary. Thanks for agreeing to meet us. Now, you’ve been trying to create a campaign to prevent people from paying the statues in the city, is that right?

GS: Hi [redacted]. Thanks for having me. Yes, it’s been our aim for the last three months to try and reduce the incidents of money being left out near certain landmarks in the city.

NT: According to the new campaign, it’s imperative that these statues have their income and allowances slashed, or stopped entirely. Why is it so crucial to South Yorkshire Police that statues not be paid for their work?

GS: Fundamentally, it’s because the statues are not alive. They’re representations of people cast out of metal. So rather than paying them, what members of the public are really doing is collecting piles of cash at key areas in the city. These collections of unguarded money in areas of high congestion are leading to a surge in anti-social behaviour which we are now trying to curb.

NT: What would you say to people who claim the statues are actually real people using elaborate costuming to perform as statues and the fact that you can’t tell the difference only demonstrates they are skilled statue workers, a job which deserves a living wage?

GS: Firstly, I’d ask them what happened to the original statues. For every monument in the city there is a record kept of its commission and construction. Anyone standing in those positions now dressed as, for example, King Edward VII on Fitzalan Square or a pair of female steel workers by Sheffield City Hall, is obliged by law to explain what happened to the original monument, as removing them without permission is a serious crime. Secondly, I’d ask why they’re not performing like a normal living statue, occasionally coming to life, scaring children, doing dances. Instead these ‘performers’ choose to stand motionless and unblinking all day and night endlessly.

NT: I’ve heard they do things at night.

GS: Such as?

NT: They vibrate wildly and become hot to the touch.

GS: I have to go now.

NT: I understand and respect your decision.


Next from Mandatory Redistribution Party

Lifestyle Tips For Cowering Wrecks

STAIRWELLS There has been public outcry following the sudden disappearance of stairwells from public buildings across South Yorkshire.…

More Mandatory Redistribution Party

Next article in issue 101

More News & Views

More News & Views