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Sad Facts

Big Facts for Smashed Up Friends

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Shaking my head at the vast majority of so-called vegans and vegetarians who are willing to talk the big talk when it comes to animal rights but begin to smirk, become dismissive or attempt to shut their front door once it is suggested that we should pay animals a fair wage.

Without the means to support themselves financially, any creature is confined to finding sustenance through foraging in the dirt or offering themselves up in servitude to someone who has the means to provide food and shelter.

I currently live in a house share with two dogs and a cat. As the only person in full-time employment, I have begun paying my co-tenants for basic tasks they perform around the house, predominantly deterring mice and burglars. To ensure they know whose payslip is whose, I place it, along with their weekly wage in pound coins, in their food bowl. The results should give pause to all the critics I've met on my door-knocking campaigns, who have suggested that animals are incapable of understanding currency, because without fail coins disappear from their food bowls every mealtime.

I'm not sure where they're putting them. A deposit box, a hole in the garden, a gap in the floorboards? It's not right for me as their employer to know that, but what is clear is that they are clearly taking the money and keeping it safe.

However, capitalism doesn't always agree with everyone - just as it doesn't amongst humans - and mere months into the new scheme I had to bury the jangling body of one beloved co-tenant as she had sadly succumbed to economic anxiety. Everyone is feeling the loss. I can see it in their sad eyes and increasingly slow, heavy bodies. Now that animals know the mental illness that comes with wage labour, we finally understand and respect each other as equals.


Hi. My name's Jake. This is my first time writing for a print publication after my essay, Why Knuckles From Sonic The Hedgehog Is A Libertarian, won first place in the SAD FACTS unofficial subreddit. I'd like to write about the new battleground through which cultural Marxists are seeking to 'own' (destroy) traditional values: all arts.

Let me state my thesis simply: all narrative-driven arts arcs (known heretoafter simply as 'ar(t/c)s') conventionally contain a protagonist 'hero' and an antagonist baddie/bad egg/Doctor Eggman. Conventionally, protagonists derive their morality from fundamental Christian virtues (helping the poor, wealth redistribution, the 1917 Revolution) and antagonists derive their virtues from Adam Smith's The Wealth Of Nations (trapping animals in robotic cages, stealing the Chaos Emeralds). This is a clear unambiguous attempt by the lefters (leftos, left-wing people) to control and culturally demolish the psyche of the Right by forcing us to identify with our culture's heroes (Luke Skywalker, Lisa Simpson, Miles 'Tails' Prower) and not with the baddies (Ja Ja Binks, Homer Simpson, Metal Sonic) from an incredibly young age.

That is why I submit my own webcomic series, wherein my original character, Zonic The Saiyan, destroys regulatory legislature for food safety standards using the power of the 19 Powerful Gems. Please see attached.

[Attachment unavailable]

Thank you for your submission, Jake. We were unaware of you before you sent this to our office as we have held no such competition. Your piece is very interesting but there are many legibility issues that will need to be addressed before it could even be considered for print. -- Editor


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