APRIL FOOL

Dear Advice Arnold,

I am a 54 year old woman from East Hampshire. I enjoy dog walking and used to enjoy the music of Rolf Harris. I have never been one to get involved with the buffoonish April Fool’s Day, but I am willing to give it a go in 2016, because my friends and family now routinely describe me as a “dour-faced sour-puss without an ounce of joviality in her body”. The only problem is, I haven’t got the slightest idea where to start and was wondering whether you could help.

Yours sincerely,

Elizabeth Swallows

Hi Lizzie,

You’ve come to the right man. Back in sixth form they used to call me The Archbishop of Banterbury, and that was well before The Lad Bible made that term so unfashionable. I have many an April Fool’s trick up my sleeve and I’m willing to share some with you for a small fee.

– Pretend that a relative has “unfortunately passed away” after a terrible accident. For extra laughs, choose a relative who was particularly well liked.
– Give the ‘bucket of water on a doorframe’ gag a 2016 makeover by filling the bucket with e-cigarette liquid. I hear it ever so slightly burns the skin.
– This next one is inspired by my favourite crooners, the Wu Tang Clans. Whilst your victim is snoozing, get a highly-skilled plastic surgeon to literally sew their bum cheeks together. It will make their next toilet trip utterly hilarious.
– When you next pass some roadkill, bag it up, bring it home and slip it under little Timmy’s duvet. Not only a lot of fun, but also an important life lesson regarding mortality.

Hope that helps Lizzie. An invoice for £9.99 is included in this reply. Please ensure payment is made within 30 days. Never contact me again.

Advice Arnold
@chrisarnoldinc

 

WINE NOTES #3

Alcohol: Yes, please. I’ve had a bad day so lots and lots please. A champagne bath, a tempranillo trough, a pinot puddle, a great flowing weir of wine, whatever. I’ll take it. Une vat of vino s’il vous playdoh.

Colour: Sensual Beetroot.

Nose: Keep yours out of it. This is all mine.

Legs: More legs than a Manx football team of spiders.

Flavour: Who cares. This is terrific. I’m gonna have another bottle. I don’t give a shit right now. I hate everything else in my life apart from right now. I’ll tell you what flavour this is. It’s ‘Top Of The Bloody World’ flavour, that’s what, with hints of ‘piss off yer pretentious wine twat’. Who needs flavour when you have wild, destructive abandon?

Acidity: My tongue might get a bit sharp once I finish this second bottle, yes.

Good accompaniment to: Shouting at the news, housemate-baiting loud music, ill-advised late night messaging.

Morning after review: No talky words or noise things please.

Chris Delamere
@SpineTrolley