It’s officially one year since I was called up to Now Then HQ, offered the job of Chief Column Person and handed a golden typewriter to write my many educational and informative columns. It’s been an emotional journey, a notable highlight being the time a nice man recognised me in Morrisons. It was deeply humbling to meet a fan of my work, a frankly touching and emotional moment which I will treasure forever. I later found out he’d been at the pub for six hours prior and thought I was his son, but that doesn’t make it any less special.
Memories aside, soon there will be changes to this page. We can’t reveal too much, apart from the fact that we’re steering well clear of anything scratch and sniff related. We learnt our lesson last time. Before all that happens though, here’s my guide on how to make the perfect TV show.
1. First up you’re going to need a concept, something that makes your TV show stand out. I can’t provide any ideas, but I will say this: Pets From The Grave, Fighting Jeremy Clarkson, Swap My Implant, Monkey Wrestling and Sell My Wife are all taken, so don’t go anywhere near them, you hear me?
2. Once you’ve got your format, you’re going to need a crew. A standard crew setup includes camera holders, light men, sound guys, grips, boom washers, hair strokers, candlestick makers, Joey Essex impersonators and pig spankers.
3. Remember – the most important people on set are the caterers. How can you expect to get professional footage without a variety of breakfast burritos as a solid bedrock for the day?
4. When in doubt, green screen. Want some footage of you falling down the Grand Canyon? Green screen. Want your show to be based on the moon? Green screen. Want a completely green background for the duration of your programme? I’m afraid I can’t help you with that one.
5. If you haven’t got enough money for a soundman, simply gaffer tape an iPhone to side of your actor’s face, then get him to call you and leave a voicemail. You can then use that voicemail recording as your sound take. It might not be super crisp though, so here’s another top tip – set your programme in the 1940s, when all vocal recordings sounded terrible.
6. If you’re recording live, don’t forget the Blue Peter rule – never work with children or animals. Both are liable to soil themselves at the critical moment.
7. Once you’ve gathered all your footage, it’s time to take it into the editing suite. Again, I haven’t got a huge amount of advice to impart, but I will say this: a good TV show always has at least 34 ‘clock wipe’ transitions. Any TV show with fewer than 34 clock wipes has been a complete flop. You can’t argue with facts.
8. Special effects and CGI can get expensive, so lift clips from big budget Hollywood films and splice them into your TV show. If you need some dinosaurs, find a Jurassic Park boxset – you’ve got a whole bunch of shots to choose from.
9. Congrats! You officially have a TV show. Now for the tricky part – persuading a channel to show it. Good luck.
The second series of The Cool Beans Television Show is currently showing on the Made TV network. Head to coolbeansproductions.co.uk to watch it.Advice Arnold