Much like taking your first steps as a child, getting your first job that pays half the minimum wage and attending your first swingers’ party, passing your driving test is an exciting rite of passage in an otherwise fairly long and dull life. Failing it can be heartbreaking. I personally failed my driving test 36 times on the trot. I was about to give up altogether, but luckily on my 37th attempt my uncle was the test inspector. I had recently walked in on him snuggling with someone who definitely wasn’t my aunt and, to cut a long story short, I’ve been happily roaming the roads ever since. Although now that I’m much older and wiser, I realise there are other ways apart from emotional blackmail to take home the much-coveted driving test certificate.
1. Taking your driving test can be really nerve-racking. A little Dutch courage before you partake is fully recommended. Don’t be selfish now – be sure to share some with your driving instructor upon arrival.
2. Find out early on whether your driving instructor prefers the ‘V sign’, ‘flipping the bird’ or outright swearing at strangers who drive more than 3mph below the speed limit. You could bond over a shared interest.
3. An ever-so-slight rub on the knee can go a long way.
4. If you’re not sure about a certain manoeuvre, a quick web search on your phone should sort you out. If your 3G isn’t working, don’t be afraid to make a quick phone call to a friend or relative. The same rule applies to sat navs. It’s just common sense people.
5. In the event of taking your driving test in your own car, don’t be afraid to accessorise your machine. We all know how great those eyelashes look on your front beams, but why stop there? Get a tasteful Mohawk strip going across the top and a rubbery, flaccid penis dragging underneath. The more anthropomorphised your ride is, the more chance you have of passing.
6. Around 40% of driving tests result in failure, similar to the percentage of marriages that end in divorce. Your relationship with your instructor must be built on a solid bedrock of love, mutual understanding and rampant sexual ardour, or it is doomed from the get-go.
7. Sometimes nature calls, so hook your nether regions up to a pipe that flows around your body to a urine bag (or as it’s more colloquially known, a piss packet). Your instructor will be none the wiser. However, try to avoid the use of an excretion bucket.
8. It’s a well-known fact that the most successful driver of all time is a man called Jeremy Clarkson. Be sure to emulate this man’s behaviour at all times whilst taking your test. If you forget what Clarkson stands for, just remember the ‘isms’: sexism, racism, classism, homophobism.
9. If you’re under the belief that you’re not going to pass due to lack of knowledge, lack of practice and general ineptitude, it might be an idea to send someone who looks a bit like you and can drive correctly. If in doubt, clothe your imitator in a big hat, shades and a woolly coat.
10. If you’re nervous, just make sure you breathe. This will prevent you from dying. Everything else is up to you.
11. Finally, if at first you don’t succeed, try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And then one more time after that.Advice Arnold