Oh social media. Good old social media. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Myspace, LinkedIn, Google Earth, Age of Empires, Lemon Party. Avoiding social media in this day and age would require moving to a forest and wearing a blindfold. Even then, someone will probably upload a video of you called ‘WTF! CRAZY BLINDFOLD FOREST MAN’ and you’ll be mercilessly ridiculed online and probably die alone because of it. Bearing that in mind, you might as well join in, but to successfully wade through these treacherous world wide webs, I recommend you read the following tips.
1. It’s extremely important to show off your achievements online as soon as possible, but feel free to tailor them somewhat. You should most certainly change, “I’ve got the job! I’m going to be doing door-to-door commission-based sales work for a questionable washing machine company! If I don’t sell at least ten of them a day I won’t get paid!” to, “I’ve got the job! So happy right now! Feeling blessed!” Trust me on this one.
2. Beware of connecting yourself with your family members online. More often than not they won’t be posting a huge amount, but they most certainly will be sitting there quietly observing their son/daughter/niece/nephew/grandson/granddaughter and judging the living hell out of them. In a similar vein, avoid being connected to your bosses on social media. They’ll just collect ammo to blackmail you with.
3. People like to see things, not read things, and nowadays people like to see things more than ever. Did you know that more photos were taken last year than all of the previous years combined? I have no idea if that’s true, but I overheard someone say it in a bakery. Top tip – people love pictures of cats, so put up a picture of your cat. If you don’t have a cat, borrow or steal one from a friend.
4. If someone has upset you, the most mature way to deal with it is to write an unspecific but heavily accusatory status update along the lines of, “Was having a great day until SOMEONE spoiled it :’( At least I know who my REAL FRIENDS are now.” Everyone who reads it will sympathise with your valiant plight.
5. Something called second screen viewing is all the rage nowadays, where you watch TV and browse social media response at the same time. A select minority also enjoy third screen viewing, which is the same idea but you watch someone else do it through their living room window. Make sure they don’t see you!
6. Consider changing your online alias to something cryptographically unbreakable by swapping the first letter of your first and second names, e.g. ‘Boe Jloggs’, ‘Bamuel Sooth’. GCHQ and the NSA won’t have a clue.
7. If you’re running the social media account for a large company or a business, make sure you speak to all the followers like children. Ask questions like, “Did you have a good day today, then?” and, “What’s your favourite colour?” This simple terminology is sure to engage the plebs and result in more $$$.
8. Being online makes you an expert on political and social matters, and the only way to show that you’re an expert is to share unchecked articles that reinforce and vindicate your opinion on any given subject.
9. There is nothing undignified about using social media to promote yourself to potential partners. Pictures of your body posted under flimsy pretexts, like “New dress #shoptillyoudrop” or, “Just been lifting at da gym,” will make clear your priorities in life.
10. Remember – if it isn’t posted online, it didn’t happen. Uploading photos of your most intimate moments and tagging them #YOLO is a must, no matter how much your partner objects. And don’t forget, any meal worth over £10 must be Instagrammed. Don’t forget the classy retro filters.