Wobbly bits. They make me sick. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about them. In fact I’m so disgusted by wobbly bits that I recently threw all the jelly out of the window at my four-year-old niece’s birthday party. I don’t think my message got heard over all the crying. Suit themselves. They’ve destined themselves to a life of obesity, loneliness and failure. Unlike my dedicated column readers, because after reading the following guide to using the gym those dratted wobbly bits will be a thing of the past.

1. First up, for matters of morale, choose yourself a buddy to work out alongside. You want to feel better about yourself, therefore the more unfit your gym buddy is the better. If your companion appears to be making faster tracks than you, sabotage his self-esteem with subtle digs about his weight or pour melted lard into his mouth while he sleeps to knock him down a peg or two.

2. When working out, you want to sweat as much as possible, and it’s for this reason that multiple layers of alpine ski clothes are highly recommended. The more the merrier. Additionally, be sure to collect your sweat as a mark of progress. Top tip – the natural pheromones in sweat also make your collected vials a perfect substitute for designer aftershave.

3. Cycling and rowing machines are an ideal way to burn off calories. Simply lie on your back and hold the machine above you, lifting it up and down.

4. For best results on the treadmill, it’s imperative you make sure that your body is as aerodynamic as possible. I’d therefore suggest little to no clothing, as well as covering yourself in butter and/or vegetable oil. Watch out for hop-ons trying to make use of your slipstream.

5. The right diet is as important as exercise, so for every hour you spend exercising, make sure you match that time consuming your favourite fatty food stuffs.

6. Lunging is arguably the most important activity anyone undertakes at the gym. Get your lunge right and you could be looking at your dream body, your dream job and your dream partner, but be sure to only lunge in designated areas.

7. Smoking is generally frowned upon at the gym, but then again it does make you look seriously cool, so feel free to not play by the rules on this one. Not playing by the rules also makes you look cool. So does putting out your cigarette on your arm.

8. The changing room can be an uneasy place to be post-workout. If you don’t want to lock eyes with men over the age of 65 bending over by the hand drier in an attempt to blast their damp nether regions with hot air, then I suggest you get in and out as quickly as possible.

9. The best thing about free weights is the fact that they’re free. Make sure you take a few home after each gym visit. That’s what your membership fee goes on after all.

10. Finally, if you’re too strapped for cash to afford a gym with a pool, simply mimic swimming on the floor of the gym foyer. It’s practically the same and will make you stand out from the crowd. If you can’t afford a gym of any kind, cling film wrapped around the body on a day-to-day basis can have remarkable, lasting results on your waistline and the arrangement of your internal organs.

Advice Arnold