Remember how it was way back when? No phones, no computers, no televisions, no little talking paper clip interrupting you whilst you’re attempting to write a word document. Oh sweet Tiffany, those were the days, and how we desire returning to that long-forgotten era. I’m not implying that we employ techno violence (which, incidentally, is the latest dance music craze sweeping the nation), but perhaps it is time to do something about this suffocating techno invasion we’re experiencing. Cue a handy guide (which definitely was not typed out on a 13-inch Macbook Pro with retina display) to being a luddite in the 21st Century.
1. To all those reading this on a technological device, you’re quite spectacularly breaking rule 1 of being a luddite. Shut it off and go find a physical copy of Now Then Magazine. Yes it’s free, you cheapskate.
2. Whereas we were once a free race, living out in the open, grazing on wild berries and running with the local deer, now we’re prisoners, gormlessly glued to a giant TV screen showing repeats of Made in Barnsley and Keeping Up With The Appalachians. It’s time to feel that warm mid-September breeze, followed by a thunderstorm clattering against your face.
3. Trains, planes and automobiles are all out, so get used to travelling via horse, cart and sailing boat. Luddite students fear not – you can still travel the world before you embark on university. In fact, your gap decade will be the best years of your life.
4. On the topic of horse and cart, luddite dogging requires a lot more skill, charm and panache. Top tip – keep sudden movements to a minimum to avoid startling your pony.
5. Avoid attending all clubs, raves, gigs, festivals or parties, unless they’re solely made up of beatboxers, acoustic acts and acappella groups performing through elongated cones.
6. Packaged food cannot be trusted. It’s therefore imperative that you brush up on your hunter-gatherer skills. An urbanised luddite’s diet consists of maimed fox, broken badger and the occasional canine. Aspiring luddites can find delicious recipes at soyouwanttobealuddite.org, but make sure you’ve transcribed them all via ink and quill before going ‘full luddite’.
7. Email – too easy to trace. Phone call – too easy to tap. Video call – too easy to spend the whole time looking at yourself. The only luddite-approved form of communication is a carved slab of slate attached to a carrier pigeon. Thankfully there is a decent variety of tablets on the market.
8. There’s no longer any need to get your antibody dose from your local GP. A luddite needs to naturally seize immunoglobulins the old fashioned way. Rubbing your face in manure, licking people’s elbows and mating with livestock are all acceptable and encouraged methods of improving your immune system.
9. Once you’ve fully weaned yourself from the technological teat, it’s time to convert your nearest and dearest. Start with the elderly by showing them 2 Girls 1 Cup. They’ll never go near an LED screen again. If that doesn’t work, 5 Men 3 Funnels and 1 Tub Of Margarine should do the trick.
10. Prising the youth of today away from their smartphones is a far greater task. My only suggestion is to make heroin, the only substance more moreish than Facebook, readily available within youth circles. They’ll be so off their bonnets that updating their statuses will be the last thing on their minds.Advice Arnold