There comes a time in your life when you may find yourself without work, no longer in education, and rapidly running out of squeezable cheese tubes. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s time to get yourself one of these ‘jobs’ that people are always banging on about. But gone are the days when you could just pop down to see Barry round the corner, and he’d give you two bob, eight shillings and half a sherbet dibdab to milk his cattle. No, you’ll have to apply via the medium of a Curriculum Vitae, or Curry Vity for short, or CV for even shorter. But if the very notion of a Curry Vity has left you dazed, confused, naked and alone, then fear not – a highly educational and informative guide is imminent.
1) Make sure you fully understand what is required of you on the job description. Do your homework, read a book, go on Wikipedia. For example, if it’s stated that you must be flexible, then it’s of the upmost importance that you list how often you practice yoga, pilates or the Kama Sutra. If your new vocation requires transferable skills, now is the time to brag about your covert procrastination, colleague manipulation, and/or Morse coding abilities.
2) Some people feel that a CV isn’t the place for humour, but nobody wants to be labelled the boring one in the team. Don’t be afraid to throw in a nice joke or a pun. Golden gags like “past employment includes working as an elevator operator, it had its ups and downs,” and, “in my job as a tree surgeon I was promoted to branch manager” will go down an absolute treat and will almost certainly bring a smile to the face of your prospective employer. Additionally, bringing your own badum tish sound effect to interviews is actively encouraged. In fact, why not go one step further and bring a full drum kit? Your dedication to the gag will make you come across as endearing and in no way mentally unstable.
3) It’s oft said that the ideal Curry Vity length is around two sides of A4 – Comic Sans font, of course – but be wary of using acronyms in an attempt to squeeze in extra employability. For example, you may feel that typing Lives In Kidderminster, Enjoys Socialising And Nice Afternoon Lounging may be taking up too much space, but reducing it to an acronym gives the wrong impression. Trust me on this one. I learnt the hard way.
4) Always, I repeat, always, include a small gift wrapped up inside your CV. This can be anything – a small rodent, a poem on a piece of slate, a tasty slice of pizza, a signed picture of Rowland Rivron, a fridge freezer. It may seem like you’re bribing your way into a job but hey, this is the 21st century. You want a job? You get your potential employer a fridge freezer.
5) Finally, if you don’t get the job, be extremely bitter and hit the pub to complain about the current state of affairs with friends and family. Once fully inebriated, smear your name in paint and bodily fluids over your rejecter’s office windows. Far from coming across as deranged and mentally unstable, this will demonstrate your commitment, initiative and willingness to get the job done.
Now, go forth and get employed!