Actual mad scientist busy smearing excrement on whiteboard

After hiring a mad scientist in the hope of taking innovation to the next level, executives at a leading research firm say the initial results have been disappointing.

An insider at the firm explained that they had hoped bringing a mad scientist on board could lead to significant revenue gains and unprecedented levels of innovation across the group.

One executive told us, “I’ve grown up in an era where literature is full of mad scientists capable of great feats of physics and engineering, taking the sort of giant technological leaps us mere mortals could only dream of.

“So the board unanimously backed my proposal thinking it would make them look good in front of the shareholders, and so we went looking for one. We found our guy after a lengthy search, learning that he had been hospitalised for a good few years. The doctors assured us he was indeed ‘very mad’.

“Yet so far he’s not invented a single machine capable of taking over the world.”

The insider went on to explain that his vision of having a mad scientist under his control did not involve expensive cleaning bills and sections of the lab closed “due to the smell”.

He went on, “We figured he’d invent something amazing, we’d put it on the Internet and either Google or Facebook would buy it for a few billion quid. But unless shit-covered whiteboards are suddenly the next big thing, all I’m seeing is a wasted investment.”

The scientist’s former doctor told us, “The poor man is ill, but I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised some corporate prick saw a way to make a few quid out of him.”

People who post Game of Thrones spoilers “the new paedophiles”

People who spoil your enjoyment of Game of Thrones are worse than kiddy fiddlers, according to Twitter this morning.

With yet another ‘surprise twist’ that was only known about by the millions of people who own the books, many fans have lashed out at Twitter users for ruining the story for them.

One Internet user explained, “Jesus Christ, these people discussing what happened in last night’s episode of Game of Thrones are the scum of the earth. I swear they take deliberate pleasure in ruining the lives of others, like a sick pervert intent on getting themselves off.

“Why is it so hard to simply enjoy the show in peace and keep it to yourself? Just because you watched it as it was broadcast last night doesn’t make you a better person than me.”

But one fan explained, “I watched it last night and I couldn’t wait to get on to Twitter to talk about it to all those people who haven’t seen it yet. God, it makes me hard just thinking about all the disappointment I’m causing.”

Fan of the show Simon Williams said he struggled to avoid Twitter spoilers this morning in the hope of watching it like any normal person when he could find an hour spare to do so.

He explained, “This morning has been a case of treating everyone and everything like a potential paedophile. This must be what it’s like to live as a Daily Mail reader. It’s bad enough avoiding the Twitter sickos, but there’s this one guy who works in IT who reckons he has read all of the books.

“We’re calling him Hitler.”