Lonely God relieved as Fred Phelps becomes Heaven’s first qualifying resident

God has admitted he’s delighted to finally have someone to live with him in Heaven after the death of Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps.

God welcomed the Church leader, claiming he had waited thousands of years for someone who finally ‘got it’ and could therefore be welcomed through the pearly gates.

His heavenliness explained, “Every day without fail I have these do-gooders and bleeding heart liberals turning up on my doorstep claiming they’ve lived a good life. But so what? Did you picket the funeral of a soldier I had killed because the gays can get married? No, you didn’t. Did you harass passers-by on the street about how I completely and utterly ‘hate fags’? No, you did not.

“So why do you expect to get a place in Heaven with me? I thought I’d made myself pretty clear in the Bible. It’s all in there if you look closely enough and ignore all the right bits - and thankfully Fred Phelps did just that.

“I’m enjoying spending time with someone other than Jesus, who let’s be honest is a bit of a soppy sod when it comes to the gays.”

God went on to reiterate that Heaven is only for the deserving and that no-one in the history of mankind is more deserving than Fred Phelps.

He said, “I’m half tempted to have a lightning bolt hit the Westboro Baptist Church, as we could maybe get a bit of a bowling league going on up here. That would be fun.

“But then who would be down there telling you how to get up here? It’s a tough one, for sure.”

Scientists claim new microscope ‘powerful enough to see George Osborne’s heart’

The UK has earmarked £165m to join a project to build a super microscope in Sweden in the hope of finally gathering evidence that George Osborne has a heart.

Science minister David Willetts said that he wants the UK to be at the forefront of some of the world’s leading scientific projects and showing that the Chancellor is actually human is very much part of that effort.

Willetts told reporters, “We are committed to the unending human quest for knowledge, and part of that is investing in technologies such as this microscope and the obvious political goodwill it could bring us.

“I would be lying if I didn’t say that a device that could actually see and capture an image of George Osborne’s heart would be of benefit in the run up to the next election, but that’s not our main concern. But if it works, expect to see the photo in our campaign literature.”

Though the investment has been welcomed by the scientific community, many feel the funds could have been better spent.

Scientist Simon Williams told us, “£165m is a lot of money. So why spend it in the continuing search for something most people don’t believe even exists? All available evidence points to his heart’s absence from our universe, so why keep looking? We can’t prove a negative. Surely the best way to spend scientific funding is investing in searching for things where a theoretical existence is at least supported by some in the community?

“That said, if the new microscope is as powerful as they say it is, I suppose it could even be used to find Simon Cowell’s sense of shame or Katie Price’s artistic merit.”

Photo by Elvert Barnes