Libraries to start lending bongo mags

As libraries across the country reported loans of erotic fiction at an all-time high, many have said that stocking jazz mags to cater for all tastes could be the lifeline the struggling facilities need.

With libraries everywhere facing closure, the realisation that the public is essentially a massive pool of filthy-minded consumers willing to go into a public place to rent something to help them masturbate has led to hope for many librarians.

Library worker Simon Williams told us, “I think we have that 50 Shades book to thank, as suddenly the sort of story you’d normally get in the back of a porno mag is now on the bookshelves next to actual literature. I suppose it’s not surprising that people want more of it, as frankly we’re all absolutely gagging for it most of the time.

“Also, now that the government is putting the web porn blocker in every house, I’d imagine a library well-stocked with Asian Babes and Naughty Cheerleaders would be busier than a Friday night Wetherspoons.”

Former library users have expressed delight at the new proposals, insisting it might be worth paying that fine for that Famous Five book they borrowed in 1983 and never returned.

Potential library visitor Mike Smith told us, “Wait, are you telling me I could get a copy of Razzle, for free, from the library? And they even have quiet ‘private reading rooms’? This is very interesting to me. Do they supply tissues and moisturiser or should I bring my own?”

However sex shop owner Dave Matthews told us, “Look, if libraries are going to start encroaching on our territory, then we’ll start renting books. Then they’ll be sorry.”

Smokers demand right to poison their children wherever they see fit

Smokers have reacted with outrage at government plans to stop them breathing poisonous smoke into the lungs of their children when travelling in small enclosed spaces.

With a ban on smoking in cars receiving support across both sides of the house, smokers have insisted that the government has no right to dictate where and when they poison their children.

20-a-day man Simon Williams told us, “We supposedly live in a free society, so if I want to subject my offspring to proven carcinogens and other toxins, then that is my right. No government has the right to stop me poisoning my children as I see fit. If I want to lock my toddler in a glass box and breathe potentially deadly smoke on him for hours at a time, then I should be allowed to do so.

“Telling me when and where I’m allowed to poison my children is the nanny state going mad. They’ll be telling me I can’t beat them with my belt next. Wait, what?”

Health campaigners have welcomed the move, and insisted that the future legislation could have added unforeseen benefits.

Non-smoking campaigner Sharon Devlin told us, “Leaving smokers increasingly marginalised across society is an added benefit we didn’t really see when pushing for non-smoking spaces.

“I think the history books will think of smokers the way we currently think of medieval lepers, except without the pity. Imagine a leper who you thought actually deserved to have leprosy. Yes, that’s how we’ll look at them.”

Photo by See Ming Lee

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