Miliband announces plan to introduce even more banks to screw you over

Labour leader Ed Miliband has announced a policy that will see the creation of even more financial organisations to tell you, ‘No, you can’t have the money’.

The announcement comes as Miliband seeks to find ways of increasing the competition among organisations whose sole purpose is to deny you access to what is essentially your own money anyway.

“We see it as critical to the ongoing success of the banking sector that new banks are given the opportunity to act like despicable scumbags to people when they really need their help,” Miliband told reporters.

“The current banks have had it their own way for far too long, and I am confident that new blood into the sector will help redefine the ways that banks can make you feel like a tiny, worthless piece of shit.”

Critics of the plan say that this will merely allow a number of US banks to enter the highly lucrative UK high street sector.

One UK banking customer told us, “I heard that in the US, after they get you to fill in all the forms, and just before they tell you they’d rather set fire to themselves than lend you the money for a new car, they give you a free pen. We don’t get anything like that level of service over here, so this plan can only be good for the UK consumer.”

Banking organisations from all over the world are expected to bid for the right to fleece UK customers when the Miliband-led fire sale begins.

Several Italian families have also expressed an interest in offering lending facilities to UK customers. The Labour leader is said to be considering an offer that is “too good to refuse”.

Scientists discover ‘chimney’ mispronunciation gene

Cambridge Scientists believe they may have discovered a genetic defect that makes some people say ‘chimley’ instead of ‘chimney’, according to a study published in the journal Nature.

Researchers at Cambridge University made the chance discovery while working on a cure for bowel cancer but it’s hoped it may help millions of households across the UK where one or more family members is unable to correctly pronounce the familiar rooftop feature.

For years it was thought that people who persisted in using the term ‘chimley’, despite constantly being corrected, were simply being obstinate and too proud to admit an error. Now, according to this latest research, it seems the condition may be genetic.

Peter Henley, one of the scientists who made the discovery, told reporters, “We had an idea that chimney mispronunciation might be genetic because it appeared to run in the family. If the mother or father was mispronouncing the word then children would tend to exhibit the condition too.

“By being able to identify the chimney gene we’ve been able to prove that link.”

It’s hoped the discovery may shed some light on the mispronunciation of other words, such as ‘skellington’ and ‘apsolutely’.

It has also rekindled hopes of finding the Jeremy Kyle gene, the gene responsible for making people want to humiliate themselves on daytime TV.