INSOMNIACS EXCITED IT’S NOW LESS THAN 10 SLEEPS TILL CHRISTMAS

Insomniacs across the country have announced their excitement that Christmas is now less than ten sleeps away.

Many have insisted that when the number of sleeps till Christmas can be counted on your hands, then it can’t be more than a few months away.

Insomniac Simon Williams told us, “I look forward to sleeps till Christmas coming into single figures, as it’s my favourite time of year – you know the leaves are turning, summer is just behind us. It’s lovely.

“Admittedly nothing quite tops the feeling of one sleep till Christmas, and that really is a crazy month in the Williams house. Sometimes I get so excited I hallucinate.”

Christmas nearly here

Retailers have said the reason the shops are already chock-full of Christmas tat is to cater for panicking insomniacs who think they’re running out of time.

As one supermarket manager explained, “Sure, the clocks have only just gone back, but it’s the perfect time to throw tinsel and crackers at you on every aisle.

“You think it’s bad now – you wait until we get Halloween out of the way.”

Insomniac Williams concluded, “10 sleeps isn’t very long at all, but on an even more exciting note it’s only 25 sleeps till the world Cup starts!”

Photo by Laffy4k/Flickr

HUMPTY DUMPTY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN, CLAIMS LABOUR

Humpty Dumpty could have and would have been put back together again under a Labour government, claims Labour leader Ed Miliband.

Speaking from St Catherine’s Primary School in Kent yesterday, the leader of the opposition told children that under a Labour government Humpty would still be alive and well. Miliband was using the Year 1 assembly to draw attention to things that other people had broken, but which he knows how to mend.

He rounded on the Conservatives for breaking many other things, telling the children, “A broken NHS, a broken educational system, a broken police force and now a broken nursery rhyme character.

“Humpty Dumpty was broken, but we would have fixed him.”

Miliband fixes it

During the speech Miliband launched a vicious attack on the coalition government for allowing the King’s Horses a lead role in the salvage operation, calling the decision to use cloven footed animals for the delicate rescue attempt ‘inexplicable and ludicrous’.

After the 20 minute speech, which ran slightly into first break, Miliband received a grilling from a room full of five and six-year-olds.

Questioning centred on why the opposition leader hadn’t brought his dog Gromit with him, and why he kept saying ‘bwoken’ instead of ‘broken’.

Photo by Michael Jones/Flickr

newsthump.com