Michael Gove’s parents summoned to ATL annual conference

Michael Gove’s parents have been summoned to the Association of Teachers and Lecturers annual conference to discuss the unruly attitude of the disruptive education secretary.

Mr Gove has angered teachers over the past year with his behaviour and they have unanimously decided that drastic steps need to be taken.

“If he wants to mess about in his own time then that’s fine,” said one exasperated teacher. “But his behaviour is having a negative effect on other pupils, so we have to nip things in the bud before things get out of hand.”

ATL general secretary Dr Mary Bousted revealed that involving parents is a last resort, but that they had “explored all other avenues” and had been left with “no other choice”.

“It’s in one ear and out the other with Gove,” she said. “If him and his sidekick, Sir Michael Wilshaw, aren’t disrupting lessons then they’re bullying someone. We’ve tried separating them, but to no avail.”

Gove’s parents summoned

Mr Gove has insisted that it’s all the teachers’ fault and that they are just picking on him for no reason. Writing in the Daily Mail, he said, “It’s not fair. They’ve always had it in for me! I haven’t done anything! It was Ed Balls!”

Mr and Mrs Gove revealed that they were upset at the news, but not surprised.

“Oh, God, what’s he done now?!” said Mrs Gove.

Does anyone know an omniscient super-being who could sort this mess out, asks Archibishop

The Archbishop of Canterbury has warned it will take “something very, very major” to get the UK out of its economic depression, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what.

The Most Rev Justin Welby told a Bible Society-organised event at Westminster that some kind of creator and sustainer of the universe could probably help, before asking if anybody knew of one.

“I’ve prayed to God, but he’s at as much of a loss as I am,” he said. “Someone suggested Harry Potter, but I had to point out that he’s just a made-up character from a popular book of fiction that some people take a little bit too seriously.

“Honestly, we’re in real trouble here. If only someone could find a benevolent deity who claimed to love every single one of us and didn’t want to see us come to harm, then surely everything would be OK?”

Archbishop on economy

Financial experts have said that asking the Archbishop of Canterbury for advice on economic recovery is like seeking spiritual guidance from George Osborne.

As one analyst explained, “He’s not particularly well qualified, likely to suggest entirely inappropriate actions and probably doesn’t believe the words that come out of his mouth most of the time – and George Osborne is no different.

“Has anyone thought to ask the bankers what they think we should do?”