US scientists discover chimps lack 'innate sense of capitalism'

Researchers from the fiscal chimp centre at Emory University have failed to find capitalism coursing through the brains of our ancestors.

In an experiment involving a banana and a top corporate lawyer, the apes were given the opportunity to invest their fruit or starve each other to death.

"The results were disappointing," said Dr Hillary Temple. "Not one of our subjects showed any ambition to own all of the bananas. It's almost as if they didn't hate their fellow chimp.

"Some of them went so far as to share their curved food portfolio with other hungry little apes, without so much as a punitive contract in place. I'm beginning to think we descended from a bunch of pinko liberals."

Capitalism chimps

Temple also wanted to find out what chimps made of patent law and restrictive trade agreements, but was disappointed to find the best they could manage was a makeshift hat.

"Not a single chimp filed a lawsuit for infringing copyright on peeling bananas with your feet," sighed Temple. "In fact some of them threw their own faeces at the lawyer."

The team has concluded that chimps are a bunch of dangerous communists at best, and are looking elsewhere for economic theory in nature.

"The ebola virus looks promising - it eats the host in the face and then keeps going until there's nothing left", said Temple.

"It's incredible to think that low forms of life have a better grasp of consumer capitalism."

Cows blame lack of film roles for public's contempt

Cows have blamed a lack of big screen opportunities for people's willingness to eat them, after the public collapsed in anguish following revelations that they may have eaten something that has a well-known theme tune.

Cows have blamed a lack of films in which they forge friendships against the backdrop of war or overcome trauma with the help of Robert Redford for the county's enthusiasm for devouring them.

"What's the difference between eating a cow and eating a horse?" asked one bemused cow. "War Horse, that's what. If there was a Champion the Wonder Cow then things may be different." Filmmakers have denied that people would view eating cows differently if they were given more starring roles.

"The opinion of movie goers isn't changed by who takes the lead role," insisted one producer. "People didn't stop eating bacon after watching Babe, and people who watched Chicken Run didn't stop thinking Mel Gibson is a prick."

Horse burgers

With the UK population seemingly under the impression that burgers are produced using kindness and fairy dust, the news that they may have been consuming something that eats sugar lumps has come as a huge shock.

"I'd always assumed that burgers were lovingly crafted by a choir of angels," revealed 27 year-old Theresa Copeland. "To find that I may well have eaten something that looks good in a film montage is very upsetting.

"I don't mind watching them run until their heart explodes or being destroyed because they've broken their leg jumping over a fence the size of a bus. I wouldn't knowingly eat one though. That's just cruel."