Making the poor more obvious will boost nation's sense of privilege

David Cameron has revealed a radical plan to help Britain's 'squeezed middle' experience a heightened sense of privilege and achievement.

Instead of looking up to the richest, the PM wants more to look down on the poorest, and realise just how relatively privileged they are.

"When people read about my private education and all the advantages I've had, it's easy to mistake that feeling of glowing admiration for one of bitter resentment", explained Cameron. "But if you look at it from my perspective, you're just an endless sea of fucking plebs." "We need to build a level playing field, but one with more levels at the bottom."

Tory back benchers have given a warm welcome to the plan, which will highlight Britain's poorest by displaying them in skips. Equipped with hand-bells and filthy rags, the social lepers should draw big crowds, and make others realise they've never had it so good.

Cameron has pledged to keep the downtrodden firmly trampled, as a benchmark for relative prosperity.

"If you're frustrated with your lot, listen out for a homeless who jingles as he sobs", he suggested. "Remind yourself how well you're doing by saying 'there but for the grace of God stays he'."

With a continuing recession, there's no shortage of poor people for slightly less poor people to feel superior to. The educationally sub-useful in particular are prime candidates for a 'smugging'.

"Some would have it that it takes a big man to see the wider economic picture, but it doesn't", insisted Cameron. "It takes a small man in a bin, wearing bells."

Nation develops amazing power to root out dead paedophiles

As more victims of dead sex pests give their evidence to the police, millions of Britons have noticed that they probably thought they were guilty all along.

Experts have claimed that such retrospective powers of detection could prevent past crimes going unpunished in the future.

Authorities are urging the public to look at a recent list of perverts, nod sagely at their weird eyes, and mutter 'I knew it, the dirty bastard'.

"Those with this special power should come forward and help us with our enquiries", urged Detective Blakely of the recently formed Obvious Crimes Unit. "Alternatively, just comment on how obvious it was in hindsight, whenever you get the chance."

The new powers of observation seem to be particularly honed amongst those who actually saw crimes being committed by celebrity nonces in their pre-dead state.

"Our team think there may be a correlation between witnessing a crime with your own two eyes, and then knowing at a later date that what they were doing was wrong", suggest Blakely. "For some reason, the link isn't always made until it's a threat to the witness's career." While some celebrities are renowned for creeping the shit out of TV audiences, not every dead-eyed, bearded freak has been outed by their co-workers.

"There's still work to do in this area", acknowledged Blakely, "we think some may be evading justice by remaining alive. But with your help and the grim inevitability of mortality, they'll get theirs in the end."

In the meantime, Blakely is encouraging those that experience a hunch to cross-check their findings on Twitter.

newsthump.com