Slaughter of first-borns could save £50bn in Child Benefit, pledges Cameron

In a radical overhaul of the welfare system, David Cameron has set out plans for a measured policy of infanticide that could massively reduce the UK deficit, according to experts.

The proposed scheme, which will initially target northern cities with a high proportion of working class people, would bring an abrupt end to the 'culture of entitlement' to a child.

The elimination of poor northern children under the age of two, if successful, could eventually be extended to less impoverished kids in London and the South East who bath on weekdays and have never used an outside toilet.

The proposals are seen as 'red meat' to disgruntled Tories eager to put some clear blue water between themselves and their coalition partners, even if it's teeming with thousands of screaming babies floating downstream in Fortnum & Mason hampers.

Benefit cuts


Last night Nick Clegg accused the Conservatives of a 'lurch to the right', slamming the policy as draconian and possibly Herodian.

He suggested as many as three of his MPs could abstain from a Commons vote, adding, "Many of us Lib Dems are planning to sit on the fence on this issue, assuming the fence hasn't been used to prop up some kind of mass grave."

"I'd definitely have a problem with that."

But Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, who engineered the policy, countered:

"As well as saving the country an estimated £50bn over the four years of 'implementation', it would mean less chaotic supermarkets, fewer 4x4s on the road, and an eerie silence when absent-mindedly walking into a creche."

"We're admittedly a little unsure how this will play with the public, but nothing could have prepared us for the shitstorm we kicked up when we suggested middle-class pensioners could lose their free TV licences."

Bez completely unaware Happy Mondays reunion was needed

After the Happy Mondays completed their comeback tour, part-time maraca shaker Bez admitted he was completely unaware that he had ever stopped being in the Happy Mondays.

Bez, real name Mark Berry, spoke to reporters about the band, insisting he had no idea where all this talk of a 'reunion' had come from.

He told them, "Reunions are for people who split up, but we're still as strong as we were in five years ago back in 1985 when I joined the band in the first place."

"The nineties are going to be massive for the Monday's, and I can't wait for the ride to begin."

"Hey, my hands are quite wrinkly today - I must have spent too long in the bath."

Happy Mondays reunion


The Happy Mondays have been accused of simply reforming to make some money, in direct contrast to actions of just about every other adult in the country who only do things for altruistic reasons.

Music fan Simon Williams told us, "I makes me sick to see these bands playing the songs they've written to audiences of people happy to pay money to see them."

"It makes a mockery of the whole music industry, which people like Simon Cowell have spent so long trying to gentrify."

"The Happy Mondays should just retire and let the next wave of musicians take their place, you know, like a some poorly-dressed teenager with a laptop."

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