NEws that drought won't lead to water cannon ban gives hope to disaffected gardeners.

News that drought won't lead to water cannon ban gives hope to disaffected gardeners After the Environment Agency warned that water shortages across England could last until beyond Christmas, disaffected gardeners are contemplating staging violent protests in their gardens in the hope that police will disperse them with water cannons while simultaneously watering their lawns.

The government has insisted that water cannons would prove a valuable asset during rioting, and with hosepipe bans affecting about 20 million customers, gardeners have insisted they will cause as much disorder as possible in attempt to get much needed water to their once vibrant lawns.

"I'll do whatever I have to in order to get my voice heard and my Dianthus carthusianorum watered," said one agitated horticulturalist.

"If the government think that violence will be limited to inner city areas then they need to think again. Seriously, I won't think twice about setting fire to some leaves while the neighbours have got their washing out."

Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman has issued some official government advice to gardeners who are struggling to cope with the water shortage.

"It is vital that we use less water, so we would urge gardeners to encourage alienated youths into their gardens," she revealed.

"Rather than use water cannons we will use tear gas, and this will allow us to use the tears of the unemployed to reinvigorate the nation's gardens. Alternatively they could use a man-shaped wicker effigy and sacrifice a public sector worker to the rain gods."

Photo: Hoverdog (Flickr)

Fracking to cause potential widespread improvements to Blackpool.

Controversial gas extraction technique 'fracking' has been given the go-ahead after experts concluded any further earthquakes in Blackpool can only be a good thing.

The process involves forcing high pressure chemicals into places that aren't used to it beneath Blackpool, much like any one of the thousands of stag parties above ground.

Fracking expert Simon Williams said, "This is a great result for all concerned, as not only do we get access to a cheap natural resource, but any earthquakes could force Blackpool to drag its infrastructure into the 1980s. You know, we'll shake it up a bit, and then maybe they might be forced to build something new that doesn't resemble a scene from Boardwalk Empire."

Visitors to the Blackpool area have given the news a mixed response.

Former visitor Kevin Mitchell told us, "I think all the criticism of Blackpool is unfair. Visiting there is only a disappointing experience if by comparison you're lucky enough to have ever done anything fun whatsoever. And God help you if you've been to Disneyland - you might be mistaken for thinking you accidentally got on the coach to Auschwitz."

Photo: Matt Verrill (Flickr)