GMT IS A VESTIGE OF IMPERIALIST OPPRESSION, SO I’VE SET MY CLOCK TO FRENCH GUIANA TIME

Greenwich Mean Time is a by-product of the historical maritime dominance of Great Britain. It is a vestige of our marauding, colonising ways and as such I will be living on another GMT: Guiana Mean Time.

Opting out of GMT (our one) is an act of anti-imperialist solidarity with the natives of French Guiana, as well as offering a massive ‘f***1 you’ to the British Establishment, my friends and my employer. While the plucky French Guianan rises in the dawn grey with sore, 5am eyes ready to squeeze their calloused torso through the subterranean work tunnels, I am on the other side of the world committing an act of political wakefulness by also stirring from my slumber at 9am GMT (our one), but also 5am GMT (my one, and the one used by French Guianans).

Many people claim to be ‘woke’, but how much more ‘woke’ can you be than literally waking at the same time as the disenfranchised colonised people of the world? Living out their existence from the inside, yawning their yawns, drinking their coffee, eating their breakfast and spending their money.

As my waking hours are at odds with regular British office hours, I never work a full day, so my protest is also hitting the government where it hurts: right in the GDP2. With my 12 noon start times – 8am French Guianan time, so in a way (a way which my employer obtusely refuses to accept) they’re lucky to get me so early – and prompt 5pm finish times – I refuse to keep a key because I see them as an imperialist device, so I am unable to work late and/or lock up – the resulting loss of earning is definitely sending the right message to the powers-that-be.

If I can rally more people to join my cause, we will be able to exert enough economic pressure to force a change from GMT (our one) to GMT (the other one), and by nationally turning back the clock, we can finally begin to shake off our sordid past, one hour at a time.

1fuck

2Governmental Dirty Pounds

 

ORB 

I don’t need politics now that I have my orb.

Editor’s Note: We’re going to need you to expand on this if we’re going to be able to include it in this month’s magazine. – Martin

 

RACIST TURRET

Dear Sad Facts,

My neighbours are complaining that my water pistol-mounted turret is racist, because it keeps firing wildly at BAME neighbours, friends and delivery workers.

I believe this cannot be the case, because I designed the targeting system from scratch and I am categorically not a racist. My turret was built simply to keep pigeons away from my Fiat Punto.

The targeting system is only supposed to fire at non-human animals and I gave it foolproof parameters for recognising human beings: white skin, blue eyes, blonde hair, sportswear branded t-shirts… Okay, yes, now that I have typed this out in full I realise where I’ve gone wrong. Thank you, I have solved my problem myself. Please do not publish this.

Sean Morley (@seanmorl) & Christopher Delamere (@spinetrolley