Beard & Burger

The Veganazis, Vegeterrorians and Pest-ca-scarians are no match for my meat-induced physical strength. I could easily and clinically rip the entire head off any one of them, and that is why they have launched a devastating campaign of misinformation against my Meat Palladium.

I have said it before on my infamous blog and now I will say it again on the pages of this pointless magazine: the Meat Palladium is not a danger to the public.

When I first decided to open a beard and burger-themed flesh hovel in 2011, one of the first things I did was Google ‘meat structural integrity’ and what I learnt was very encouraging. Claims that meat itself is not a legal building material are frankly laughable. I was wiping away the tears of sheer hysteria as I sat in that council meeting, listening to people who are literally made of meat tell me that my mince walls would decay. Has my personal flesh ever decayed? No. So far my body’s been open for business, sexually-speaking, 34 years without issue - though in that time I have had no customers due, I believe, to feminism.

If the loopy fruit and veg parade want to destroy my livelihood so badly, then why have they repeatedly ignored my requests to settle this out of court in a non-weaponised street brawl? Or better still, why not come down to the gentrified shale pit where I am based and try one of our patented #HairyBaps™ whilst being stimulated by our wryly assertive bacon-themed wall art?

I can promise the Palladium is a fun place to spend an afternoon and the meat has definitely not acquired sentience and begun to reveal itself to me through telepathic screaming. Till then, I welcome the publicity, as I am finding it hard to explain to people exactly where it is.

Make Britain Worse Again

The policies enacted by Theresa May and Donald Trump against migrant families have been utterly heartbending. No family should be detained, imprisoned or separated (chopped into pieces) for the crime of migration, illegal or otherwise. Yes, the migration issue should be resolved, but without causing undue indignity or suffering to those who are seeking a better life for their families. I believe an equitable and humane solution is not only possible and obvious, but is already underway: Make Britain Worse Again.

The less functional and desirable Britain becomes, the less attractive it will be to foreign migrants who want nothing more than to enter our sovereign land to sit on chairs, activate automatic doors, eat crisps, work a 9-to-5 job, and either Deal or Not Deal, depending on religious strictures regarding gambling. I believe that migration can be curtailed if the Land of the Britons can be reverted back into the odious swamp that successive generations of (good & historical) invading hordes transformed over millennia into a holiday camp for pink dads who like classic rock.

Reintroduce preventable illnesses, have people starving in the streets, reduce access to vital medical techniques, alienate civilians from technology through poverty, devolve the country into warring tribalistic petty kingdoms, defund education and engender scepticism of expertise until human understanding withers to nothing and our shared wisdom comes from charismatic travelling elixir salesmen.

The moment our stated goal of becoming a backwater mediaeval reenactment zone is complete, our problem with migration will be a thing of the past and we can tackle our greatest enemy yet: ourselves.

Sean Morley & Sam Nicoresti