A New Dawn: Femilitary

by Tracy Denholm

War has always been about fucking: cannons blaring, pikes rearing, semi-automatics shooting hot rounds into the air. Insecure men showing their willingness and capacity to discharge towards or into reluctant combatant flesh. The military is an armour-clad phallus craning towards the sun.

Why, then, are we so surprised that women are so underrepresented in our national killing squads? How can we encourage the female population into the state-sanctioned murder of other peoples when the whole spectacle is such a boys’ club jizzathon?

The answer is simple: war needs a makeover. A Freudian understanding of gender representation is all it would take to add a feminine touch to the systematic culling of post-colonial nations. Why use the sword when you have a perfectly good sheath?

The new femilitarised world would put an end to the hard-ons of old. No more plunging, charging, stabbing or exploding. Why not, instead, a 40km-radius bomb that sucks all the air out of the atmosphere? Or a series of plungers that can permanently attach themselves to the face? Or a uterus that can be dropped over hostile military buildings which once a month will contract painfully, rend apart the outer perimeter and flood the interior corridors with unfertilised ova which, if fertilised, will grow into incredibly powerful soldiers?

Soon war will not be an endlessly protruding snake-worm, stalking the planet in search of feasible reasons to seize foreign assets, but a beautiful womb, nurturing soldiers in a warm and safe space until it can birth the most precious thing of all: peace.

How To Behave When You've Been Arrested

by Carlos Rudd

Follow these top tips to turn any arrest into a further opportunity to be subversive and undermine the state.

1. Refuse to communicate through any medium other than Snapchat.
2. Continually try to sell things to police officers and staff. Occasionally say the word 'bargain' under your breath.
3. Sneak harmonicas into your cell.
4. Convince the senior officer that the British police are just a form of state control acting for private interests and that they should disband entirely.
5. During questioning, try to divert the conversation towards mid-90s nostalgia. Try to remember the finer details of Pogs and Tamogotchis.
6. Try to make contact with your mum. I cannot stress how important this one is. She’ll be worried sick. Also, my mum is the Home Secretary and she’s been really useful to contact in the past, so try to contact my mum in addition to your own mum.


A Request For The Column (Please Don't Print This)

by Simon Klimpt

Could you please send the following description to a satirical cartoonist? Think it would really liven up the column. Please respo>

Britannia crying into a big cup and there is a small man like a Monopoly man with "the EU" written on his lapel who is measuring the cup and giving a bag of money to an Albanian.