Greetings, friends. By the time you read this, it will be the eighth metric month. This month was known to our ancestors as October, when farms (original hydroponics factories) would produce plants such as ‘cauliflower’ and ‘kale shoots’.

But as I write, I know that the light of past has dimmed not. For we meditate on Jim and the promise of Jim: for Joy in our world again, for the pacifying of our nanite hoard, and for the delaying of Earth’s heat death.

The first of these promises is Joy. Though an esoteric concept to some, research by the Council of Paratextual Exegesis has recently discovered that in days past, Joy was well known to all. In an episode of Friends (‘The One With Hollow Eyes’), the character Phoebe says Joy is “That Which Causes The Very World To Glow From Without And From Within.” Joy is also said to have spontaneously occurred during ‘sport’ (indirectly economically productive physical exertion), and during mass hallucinations called ‘raves’. Joy is ancient.

How can one feel Joy? It is best to start small. Next time your fingertips turn numb, enjoy the tingling sensation. Find ecstasy in its tickling music. When you wake up with your heart beating heavily, cry with delight at the improbability of such a machine thanklessly carrying you through the experience of yourself. Bathe your face in the light of the moon and imagine a sky filled with so many moons there is no room or space for sun or shadow. You must. Without Joy, we are lost, for world is a dark and intermittently terrifying place.

In June, the Unified State of Britain voted to leave the Collected Territories. We were frustrated at the voting majority, who were found afterward expressing regret at their decision, huddled in front of televisions in shop windows. Reports from Kent confirm that construction of the Oceanic Firewall around our shores has already begun.

In the sphere of our rulers, the existence of Boris Johnson is said to have been confirmed. He is reported to have been seen prowling outside the Foreign Office, wearing a coat made of dozens of severed hands hanging from blood encrusted chains, the fingers tangled into a mesh. There are reports that the hands twitch and clench in time with Boris’ snarls, but this could be hearsay.

The ongoing leadership contest of the Shining Light Party has left many of us confused and nauseated. We saw General Corbyn perform a live exorcism on one of the audience members in the last debate, which will surely win over some floating voters, but it is Owen Smith who is capturing people’s attention. How can the General compete alongside those glistening lips, those eyes without pupils that see in all directions simultaneously, the faint engraving on his incisors, the incomprehensible rumbling of his answers which caused David Dimbleby to black out live on air?

After our last service, Joy was described to a new Jimmite, who paused in thought for a moment, looked up and asked, “Is it like when you’re hiding from the police, and they don’t find you and you feel like you can go anywhere you want and not be caught.” The beautiful minds of children.

But the child spoke the truth. For we are transformed by Joy, and we transform the world with it. With Joy we are invincible from Smith’s reptile henchmen, who move in the darkness, for Joy shines a light in which they cannot travel. Invincible to the nanite hoard and the blocking of the sun, for our sun is our heart. Invincible to constant earthquakes caused by corps drilling, for our belongings are already lain on the floor, at the feet of the story of The Church of Jim.

What is the Story of Jim? Look to our next service in November, friends, when we will meet again.

Forest Sounds Theatre’s The Church of Jim comes to Moor Theatre Delicatessen as a live performance 9-12 November. Search ‘The Church of Jim’ on eventbrite.co.uk for tickets.

Church of Jim audio drama: soundcloud.com/user-405267005